I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
