I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i out mim tonsoeep
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