U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
