It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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