I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
