i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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