just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
