mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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