My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
