I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
