I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize