He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
