Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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