Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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