??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
