i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
