I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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