yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
