The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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