new low.... made out with someone while peeing
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
