p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
