ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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