I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My cat gives me a boner
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
