I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
