Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
