HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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