just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My life is pants optional.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
