Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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