can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
