she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
