we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
