dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
