My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
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The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
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Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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