I wish my penis had an off switch
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
