can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
