One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
