I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
