I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
