She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
