update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
