I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
