I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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