I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
