Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
