Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK