i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
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We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
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That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.