Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
