My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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