I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
