I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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