Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
