Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
