shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
God I need to hump something, right now.
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