What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
