He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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