just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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